This week I got the honor to participate in Gospel Camp 2024 where I got to know more about God and living as a Christian. There were a lot of questions, doubt, and individualism involved throughout my seek for this higher power.
Context
I was born in Brazil, a country where Catholicism is the dominant religion. My parents are great believers in individualistic atheism, meaning the ideology that all their accomplishments are fulfilled by themselves. Through listening to their stories since kid, I can understand why their beliefs since they never had contact with Christianity.
Since the Portuguese colonized Brazil in the 16th century, it has been overwhelmingly Catholic. And today Brazil has more Roman Catholics than any other country in the world — an estimated 123 million.
Ironically after noticing my moody vibe during my senior year of high school, my mother demanded me to attend a local church to get help and support from a generous community. Senior of high school was my EMO year — 2 major depressions of my life — where I had my first situation and ended up being ghosted. This emotional turbulence lasted for more than 8 months leading to a severe downfall in my life: Low productivity in school, minimal progress in college application, and even leading to desire of suicide. In Chinese, this is called “Tang Ping,” which is one of the words I dislike the most.
This state of mine continued till around April. There were different moments when I had a voice in my head to go to church or change my lifestyle of being a couch potato. For this scenario could not remember well enough. But I do remember working on the fundamentals like taking good care of myself and following the routine that I set for myself.
- Morning cold shower
- Daily workout
- Find more purpose in sustainability work
- Developing hobbies: Photography and rollerblading.
- Getting a taste of falling in love sustainably.
CUNY Gospel Camp
When I lost my phone… 😭 all the people who knew it were trying so hard to find it. They were more worried than me. Through this minimal experience, I realized how caring they are. Imagine beings who care more about you than yourself. This is what I felt.
God Ask?
- Should we love ourselves, or do we only need to know that God loves us enough?
- Do self-centered and selfish desires lead to miserable lives?
- What is the point that we are satisfied with being self-centered; therefore, we can serve others?
- What is my missing piece and peace?
- If the world does not have anyone, only you and God will you choose to live?
- Are Christians gathering all the good into one point, which is God? Luca told me that he likes the people in the church community, and he is grateful that God brought them together. And not necessarily God. I agree, but I also believe there were so many coincidences in my life that I can’t explain myself.
- How do you differentiate the voice of God and your voice?
I am a practical person. I love the worship songs we sang in unison holding each other together. I love learning about other people’s testimonies and how God has changed their lives. I love playing volleyball and basketball. I love getting away from the city to enjoy nature and develop my spirituality. Through the camp, I experienced extreme kindness, unconditional love, and genuine caring, and exhausted from staying too late because I wanted to have a closer relationship with God and the people who serve them while understanding the concerns of the seekers.
The only feedback I had for the camp is that I wish we had 40 hours per day so we could get 8 hours of sleep…😝
I feel like before making my decision I would like to hear a little bit from my parents, Mr. Roselli, Luca, and Naying. Not that their opinion will change my stance but I would like to listen to their perspective on spirituality because they matter to me. I would like to know what changes would happen to our relationship if I believed in God.
Pastor Hao
- If you oppress sadness in your life, happiness will be hard to feel simultaneously.
- Life is hard but without God life will be harder.
Pastor Hao’s “Letter for every kid who got hurt” had deeply touched me.
Dear child,
Thank you for being my child. I must admit that despite thinking I was trying hard, I often loved you in the wrong ways. I have my own issues, stress, pain, setbacks, and even shame.
I directed my anger towards you, made selfish decisions that caused you pain, and promised you many things that I didn’t fulfill.
I should be someone who encourages you, but my words often make you cry.
I should be someone who takes care of you, but many times, it’s you taking care of me.
I should be the one by your side, supporting and helping you when difficulties arise, but I often make you feel lonely and helpless.
I’m really sorry, but I hope you can be happy. I hope the Almighty God can guide your life, fill your heart, and please don’t stop praying for me because I also need God’s love and help.
Thank you for being my child. I’m sorry I hurt you. I love you, and I hope you can find happiness.
Love, Your Mom and Dad.
Surprises
- If we are loving to each other, others will assume we are Christian 🙏💕 — Uncle Stone
- I love the idea of constant transformation in my life by God
- If your creator did not give up on you, why should you give up on yourself🙏 ?
- The last time that I cried consecutively for 5 days was when my father hit for five days. Ironically, he would use the first aid on my wounds.
At the end, I am so moved by the activities throughout the camp and the stories from Pastor Hao, Naying, Uncle Stone, and other storytellers. I decided to believe.
My mom keeps asking me about the benefits of being a christian. I understand her point of view but at this point for me believing in God means having a home within and around you whereever I go. I am born in Brazil but I do not understand Brazil and its people; therefore, Brazil is not my home. My parents are Chinese but I do not completely understand Chinese and its culture; therefore China is not my home. I am currently in the US but my close families are not here and the culture that I used to be most familiar with is gone.
I understand that believing in God does not mean that christian will help you with my undocumented status here in the US or magically give me a job; however, I resonate with the unconditional love transpired through God.
