When it comes to love, the initial thought that comes to my mind is immediately when I was born with the total embracement of my parents. But that did not last long since I was sent back to China together with my sister. Chinese Aunt’s love was different but generous. I could feel her parental love in my heart.
Going back to Brazil, love transformed again. Love became how much money my biological parent put into my education. I remember whenever my parent paid my school tuition they would demand me to witness the stack of money that was invested into me so I be grateful and study harder. This type of love followed me to the US.
Now I do not know what type of love I have with my parent anymore. Do they still love me? If so how they are showing that love if this year I become financially independent?
In terms of romance, it all started when I was in the first or second grade of primary school. I got a crush on my teacher’s daughter who is 2 school grade older than me. Did not work out! The second crush was when I transferred to a private school. This time I had 5 years of “crushing.” I never confessed but it was quite obvious since I stared at her all the time and this is the time when I developed my “femalephobia.” I remember her questioning me if I liked her and I rejected her so bad but very fake at the same time.
After this experience, I just thought people were pretty but not romantic till the summer of 2022. That summer I went to Alaska for a seminar with OuterCoast. It was a month program and I got a chance to meet this girl that I sort of fell in love with. Not quite sure what happened. Maybe I was just looking for a romantic experience. I would consider that a situation. We knew we liked each other but there were just so many barriers for our relationship not to proceed: Location, religion, family, culture, mindset, values, etc.
Now the summer of 2023, I had a crush on this girl from Taiwan. I guess primarily I got attracted to their fashion, story, and social presence. They did not like me though, which is so fine. From this experience, I created my expectations for my future partner so I do not fall in love that easily. I also learned a lot from them about fashion and courage.
Moving forward, I just want to become as good as they cannot ignore. My mindset right now is that I will grow myself in all the 12 categories of life and become who I want to be. If along the way in my pursuit of myself, I find someone who is willing to spend more time together and our journey aligns then I would consider the relationship. But still, I won’t marry my partner just after 2 months of knowing each other like my parents did. I like reciprocity in relationships including friendship and take things slowly.
Overall, my love journey is not special at all. I am just trying to be more conservative with romance. I hate the hook-up culture that my Brazilian friend told me about. I hate a lot of relationships that most of my friends are in. So that is probably one of the reasons that I am not getting into a relationship right now. Romance could lead to mental breakdown really quick
